finally myself

After over a year of struggling with sadness and depression for reasons I can't really place, I'm finally feeling like myself again.

But not exactly the same "myself" as a couple years ago. Last year I would try to figure out why I was sad all the time, and think back to when I was so excited about life and wonder how I could get back to that. About halfway into my year of what-the-heck-is-happening-to-me? I realized and accepted that I was never going to go back to whoever I thought I was a few years ago. Life changes you and helps you grow and no matter how much I want to be the "excited, passionate, happy Suzie" everyone perceived me to be back then, I can't stay that person forever. I mean, I'm not a totally different person, either. I still get excited about the silliest stuff, I'm still passionate about many things, and I am often still happy.

Maybe I've just been learning that life has different seasons and these seasons help you grow. They help you work for what really matters to you (even if a lot of the time that work is holding onto this tiny little thread of hope) and help you realize more of who you are. Some seasons straight up suck, but so long as you surround yourself with people who love you through it all and hold onto that tiny little thread of hope for dear life, that season will eventually end, and another season will come, and you'll take life a season at a time and learn and grow as you go.

So I'm finally feeling like myself - but a slightly modified "myself," if you will. I'll take it.


  1. It's good to see you both blogging more, and feeling more yourself. On that, how much of a keyword is "perceived" in reference to your personality? Just because other people "perceive" you as this totally bubbly-and-exuberant-all-the-time person I'm sure didn't make you that truly all the time. To be clear, were you really super happy all the time, even then? I would guess not. It sounds like the perception implies that that view was wrong, but the next sentence also implies that it wasn't wrong, unless you mean that you perceived yourself that way as well? I'm trying to get at the distinction between acting bubbly and being bubbly. I'm not sure I've met someone who's super happy all the time internally.

    Either way, we definitely can't, or shouldn't, be the same person our whole lives. If we're not growing and learning, there's a problem. Personally, I know I've grown in a lot of ways, being a little more wise chief among them, and am definitely not the same person that started a new job in Dubuque three years ago. On the note of Dubuque, some seasons do indeed just straight-up suck.

    One more I'd like to see clarified is what is specifically the hope to which you are clinging. Surely not just the hope that the current season will end. There's ways in which that's true, in a much fuller sense, but to limit it there isn't going far enough.

  2. Delayed comment responding =]

    For me the perceived personality and felt personality blend. Like, I think the perception came from the overflow of what I was, so in my mind they are closely related. Although we all have rough moments or times or hard days (also exciting moments or great days), I'm realizing that I really do tend to be generally happy or generally sad. It's a weird pattern I'm realizing, but part of what makes it weird is that I've lived long enough to personally identify patterns in my life (maybe that shouldn't be weird, but it feels that way - ahhh! growing up!!).

    Also, I've thought about your last comment for a while, and I don't know if I have a super great clarification for you. To be honest, when I was that down, a lot of the time I really did just cling to the hope of the current season ending. I really believed it would, so I held on to that. I knew that I had a bigger, better hope (Jesus). And I want to say that's what I held on to all the time. But a lot of the time I didn't feel like myself and although I knew I should cling to him, sometimes I couldn't. So I think what I did was cling to the hope that I'd get to a place where that would be possible again. If that makes sense.

  3. Being generally happy or sad makes sense, I think. A few years ago, I might not have been able to conceptualize it, but the last couple have given me a better baseline for it(even if a lot of it is generally frustrated as well). So how does that relate to the original post? Would you still say you're generally sad or happy now, or has it been more of an average between the two, with spikes above and below the sad and/or happy thresholds?

    I also don't think that's weird at all, whether you feel weird or not is a different story. Lol at the growing up part, partially since I'm picturing/hearing your response in my head. Growing just a little more self-aware of how our emotions can interact/affect our lives can be a tricky thing for sure though.

    That is precisely the clarification I wanted to hear. It sounds like the passage in the gospels where a guy talking to Jesus finally blurts out, "I do believe! Help me with my unbelief!"(Mark 9:14-29). I also think clinging to the hope that Jesus will bring us to the point where we can cling to him and clinging to him is the same thing. When we get right down to it(and you can tell me whether you'd agree with this or not) it is only because God enables us to believe and draws us to him that we can trust him at all. So, it's great to see that is what kept you going(with some awesome community right in there), and that you are still trusting God. :)